~ On Communication That Works ~
by Connie Pappas
Ever wonder how to better understand another person's point of view, the way in which he or she is experiencing something? Engaging in a focused, interactive dialogue approach can make all the difference.
Inspired Interactive Dialoguing is a mindful, process-oriented way of conversing, a back-and-forth, judgment-free, and advice-free exchange between 2 people for the purpose of attaining a deeper level of understanding. This approach exercises the imagination and can help a person manage and remedy a challenge – handle almost any situation with ease. It can also serve to effectively flesh out brilliant strategies for a successful personal or professional venture. Done without giving advice, offering an opinion, or anything of the sort, it is based on a model I practiced with seven fellow N.Y.U. Coaching Program Graduates in a weekly group led by the founder of the program. It also aligns with some of my Social Science Education at Fairfield U. and Sarah Lawrence College. Since that time, I have altered the model to properly suit my collaborative coaching practice and my clients. This unique approach has made and continues to make a huge difference in my life and within clients’ and friends’ lives too. Having the opportunity to discover one's own authentic answers by way of this facilitated experience is empowering, and it honors and points to the belief in a person's innate resourcefulness and creativity.
After holding an effective communication and stress management workshop for the marketing team, and smaller groups too, each said, going through this process was eye-opening. It wasn't easy for them to not advise, to try and solve a colleague's problem; yet, happily, when they refrained from doing so and practiced accordingly, many found it to be an efficient and effective brainstorming process, which led to improved patience and greater appreciation for one another. I am reminded of the adage, "slow is fast".
On another note, I often hear from bright and accomplished men and women who chose a personal or professional path someone suggested for them, or one they thought they "should" choose. They hadn't gotten to a place of true objectivity, and clarity. And within their careers, for example, they drove themselves to achieve and many did very well; yet, later, discovered, the choice they made was neither fulfilling, nor was it utilizing their strengths and talents. That, in part, is why I do this work, and often coach on career satisfaction and change. We thrive most easily when we are heard, understood, and willing to be true to ourselves.
Inspired Interactive Dialoguing, the approach:
1. Determine the time and place for the conversation,
2. Place the conversation, preface it, (state why you are each there and to which topic and for whom you'd like to bring your attention),
3. Once that is established, to begin to activate his or her imagination, pose an open-ended question,
4. Reiterate, paraphrase, and mirror what you have heard him/her say,
5. Invite him/her to reiterate what you have said too, allowing her the opportunity to rethink, or re-frame what she has said.
6. Repeat all 5 steps as many times as you would like to make the progress he or she needs.
NOTE: Reiteration is not only to let him/her know you have heard him, it is to move toward a fuller understanding - and it is for her to hear what she stated and to have the opportunity to restate it or add to it, even rethink or reframe what she has said. This reiteration exchange allows the opportunity to move beyond the vacuum of the mind to greater objectivity, and away from a habitual way of seeing or doing things.
In closing, the Inspired Interactive Dialoguing approach may feel mechanical at first. It's so unlike the way we naturally communicate with people. Understanding, too, that we may be conditioned to give advice, even simply, an opinion, which, at times may be useful, both in life and at work. For most of us, interactive dialoguing is a new and different way of communicating; so, I invite you to try it out - practice it with a colleague, your adult child, a friend, or your spouse and watch them come alive – attain a greater sense of clarity, certitude and confidence.
The Art and Value of Acknowledgment
by Connie Pappas
While within a group of seasoned professionals, enhancing our services we explored optimal ways to support a client. We were each asked to "try on" something–either with our significant other or another family member. No matter the relationship's current temperature, whether harmonious or strained, we were asked to reflect upon and consider what we truly appreciated about them, and in turn, to provide sincere acknowledgment. …and then, to take note of their emotional state, behavior, or actions as a result of the acknowledgment.
In a nutshell, acknowledgment is the act of recognizing the truth or rightness of something. It's a way of expressing appreciation, especially for positive, caring behavior, a contribution, or a unique and inspiring characteristic. Unlike a compliment, acknowledgment goes deeper. It is mindfully and specifically tailored for the recipient.
We acknowledge professionals at award ceremonies and in so doing they shine. We write generous testimonials for service providers, authors, and other professionals; though, do we take time to acknowledge a spouse or a friend for their mindful listening, their generosity, or their support? And professionally, do we take time to verbally acknowledge our team members, employees, or colleagues?
On a monthly average, most people are criticized five times more often than acknowledged. It seems to be the norm within some small businesses, local communities, and large corporations. Criticism over acknowledgment is often thought of as being useful, effective, and even motivating. But, is it? And if it is–for how long is it effective?
If we truly want to improve morale within a familial relationship or a corporation–we've got to ask ourselves, does criticism improve our self-esteem, lift our spirits, inspire us to function better, or produce more?
If the answer is yes...how long does criticism actually motivate and support the morale and growth of a company or harmony within a family?
There are times when criticism may seem "constructive". (But, got to say, it sounds like an oxymoron – which is another topic entirely, for another time.)
Back to the art and value of acknowledgment and an outcome–one of the professionals made an effort to sincerely acknowledge her husband. Here's how it went:
After determining what she genuinely appreciated about him, that evening, she acknowledged her husband for his mindful and supportive way, his kindness, and the monetary contribution he made to the family. Before that time, she hadn't thought to verbalize what she recognized in him. Once he was acknowledged – the next day, without being asked, he took care of various household tasks (which, beforehand, getting him to do was like pulling teeth). He began to go above and beyond, acting unilaterally, taking initiative he hadn't taken in years–including organizing special evenings out and surprise weekends away. She wondered, how could something so simple make such a difference. Previously, she had developed a pattern of pushing, nudging, and criticizing him, and hadn't thought (or had forgotten) to provide validation and sincere acknowledgment.
The benefits of acknowledgment:
· recipient feels understood, appreciated, and honored - and self-esteem is raised
· greater cooperation, generosity, interpersonal alignment, and alertness,
· increased oxytocin for both the giver of acknowledgment and the receiver.
When we consider acknowledging someone, it is best to read and understand our "audience". Each situation requires intuition, logic, and mindfulness. Everyone is different, and every cultural norm or company philosophy varies. Being true to oneself is important, and so, if acknowledging feels either unfamiliar or too intimate...best to first practice with a loved one.
Humans are interdependent. We prosper and evolve when who we are, what we do, and the way in which we contribute–whether within a family, society, or a company is acknowledged. The human spirit awakens when a person is recognized and appreciated. We thrive by way of reflection, validation, and positive acknowledgment. So ~ why not make it the norm?